Hi everyone! It’s Melinda. Welcome to Melinda’s Grief Corner! If this is your first time here, be sure to check out my intro post to learn more about the inspiration behind this new Article Club feature and what to expect from this series! Glad to have you here!
Right after my dad died, I couldn’t stop talking about it. I’m a verbal processor (how predictable, I know!) and all I wanted to do was to work this out with the people in my life. I almost needed to talk about it, like if I didn’t talk about it I’d hold all of my feelings inside and then I’d explode. Or if I didn’t talk about it then he’d really stop existing.
But I learned a very hard truth about grief.
Not everyone can hold your grief.
And not everyone, even those who love you, will show up for you.
That’s not a judgment. It’s a fact.
I learned this through a text message from a friend who I know wanted to say something comforting and supportive to me. They told me that my dad was in a better place and he wasn’t suffering anymore.
Now sure, that doesn’t sound THAT bad.
But dear reader here’s what went through my head when I read that - “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW WHERE HE IS?! ALSO I RATHER HE WAS ALIVE AND HERE WITH ME!”
Yes, in all rage-y caps.
Immediately, my world got a lot smaller. I felt like I couldn’t share my pain with everyone because I couldn’t stand getting another text that sounded like an unhelpful Hallmark Card.
And that felt scary and isolating.
And also really weird - there were people I loved that I couldn’t lean on because they said something that I found painful. Or they told me they couldn’t listen to me talk about my dad’s death anymore because it was too much for them. Which was also painful.
But then I found a YouTube video by Nora McInerney titled “Advice for the Newly Grieving.”
Nora gives some excellent advice for those fresh in their grief, but one of the quotes that stuck out to me was about sharing your grief with others in those early days.
When she’s explaining how it’s important to be honest with those around you about how you’re feeling she says “Not everybody. You can’t trust everybody. Not everybody even deserves your story.”
Dear reader, that last sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.
Not everybody deserves to hear the story of my loss. And the same goes for you and your loss.
People don’t know what to say to the grieving. I don’t blame them. In my opinion, as a culture we don’t talk enough about death and loss and so it is completely unknown to us how to handle the big-ness of grief.
So the grieving end up hearing awkward and unhelpful platitudes from people who are just trying to help. Or the folks who love them don’t know exactly how to support them. And the grieving feel unsupported. It’s messy.
What I took from Nora is that it is not only totally fine to not share your grief, it is almost necessary. It is a way to honor your grief and your loss. Because your grief and loss are sacred, and personal, and feel-y, and it should be handled with care.
For many months thereafter I only opened up to folks in my life who had also experienced significant loss. Most of the time that meant someone in my life who had also lost a parent and who was similar in age to me. And I made new grief-y friends too who had also lost a parent.
These people spoke my grief language. I didn’t have to explain how I felt or what I thought or what I struggled with. They just got me.
And so I share Nora’s words to help you give yourself grace when you’re feeling like you can’t go to certain people in your life. And for you to be open to giving grace to those in your life who may not be able to support you during whichever grief-y season you’re in.
Your grief is sacred. It should be protected. It should be shared with those who can hold it fully and gently and can also hold you fully and gently. And that’s not everybody. Just like Nora says.
I hope Nora’s video resonates with you as it did with me!
And I’d love in the comments if you shared one word that describes how you feel when you feel supported by someone who is able to hold your grief. Mine is “comforted.”
Big hugs.
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