Hi everyone! It’s Melinda. Welcome to Melinda’s Grief Corner! MGC comes out twice a month on Sundays. If this is your first time here, be sure to check out past posts to learn more about the inspiration behind this new Article Club feature and read about other grief-y topics I’ve covered with resources I’ve shared! Glad to have you here!
I was told by some that the first year of grief was hard because getting through each milestone would be awful. And that was definitely true. There’s an unknown to the first year of loss. What will the first holidays feel like? What will the first birthdays feel like? And mostly - how are we going to get through those days.
There’s a lot of anticipation and anxiety in the first year of grief. You have no idea what anything is going to look or feel like. You also have no idea how to cope or what coping even looks like. And so for me, I spent a lot of energy and time worrying about the days that led up to the big anniversaries and holidays.
In reality, they weren’t actually that bad. And also the first year of grief I was actually able to function. More than function.
I didn’t take a lot of time off.
I moved out of DC and back to Virginia.
I worked and was even more productive than pre-grief. I visited friends.
I exercised.
I laughed and I joked and I just kept moving.
Then the second year hit.
And, dear reader, this year is worse than year one.
Now that is true for me, at least in this moment of time while I’m typing this. That may not be true for you and that is completely fine! There is no ‘normal’ in terms of a grief timeline. No schedule at all.
Why is the second year worse for me?
Because the shock is gone.
I’ve realized that the shock lasted for months after my dad died. Maybe almost even a year after he died.
And it had its purpose. It kept me going. It kept me surviving. It helped me get things done - planning the funeral, writing the eulogy, working at my job, taking care of my mom.
The shock was like a security blanket.
And then it was gone. And I really felt the loss. When I would say “he died.” I felt the weight of that. When I talked about losing him, I immediately started crying. I cried everyday for a week after the first year mark. And I’m still crying all of the time almost 2 months in.
So what have I been doing to cope, dear reader? Well the people who have known and loved me longest are on high alert! They know the kind of support I need and how to hold me close during this time. I’ve been open about how hard this is to those closest to me and those who see me regularly, and just knowing that they know to check in has helped.
And I’ve listened/watched this video from Megan Devine about a dozen times.
How Megan talks about grief I have found to be so honest and supportive. Listening to her talk for a few minutes about how the second year of grief can feel so much bigger than the first made me feel less like I was losing my mind. It also breaks through the narrative that you just have to get through the first year and things will start to settle.
There is no timeline in grief.
The first year for me was awful in its own way. The second year has been the most difficult. I hope that this video helps you feel like your timeline is the right timeline for you because it is the one you are going through.
Feel free to share in the comments how you feel about the video. And if you’ve gone through the second year of grief and beyond, I’d love for you to share one word that describes that experience. Mine is “raw.”
Until next time, big hugs.
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