Hi everyone! It’s Melinda. Welcome to Melinda’s Grief Corner! MGC comes out twice a month on Sundays. If this is your first time here, be sure to check out past posts to learn more about the inspiration behind this new Article Club feature and read about other grief-y topics I’ve covered with resources I’ve shared!
This newsletter isn’t really for grievers. It is for the folks trying to support a griever.
In the first 6 months of my dad dying, I heard A LOT of things from folks who cared about me that were supposed to sound supportive. But to be incredibly honest, a lot of it wasn’t. A lot of it sounded like empty platitudes (“it’ll get better soon”) or dismissive (“I mean at least you got to say goodbye to him”) or just bizarre (“it’s sad your dog died too, but at least she’s with your dad now!”).
And look, I get it. I’m not blaming people for trying. As a society, we don’t talk about death or grief enough in my opinion, so what ends up happening is when we hear someone has lost a loved one we get SUPER awkward (at best). We’re trying to snatch words out of the air in an attempt to respond. And we fall flat a lot of the time.
So this newsletter is my attempt to help you, dear reader, help your griever. This is of course not an exhaustive list! And it may not work for your specific person. But think of it as a starting point, the building blocks of support to help you help them especially in the very early days of grief.
Do not say “I’m here for whatever you need.” Do offer to help in a specific way.
This is a biggie! As a griever who just lost their person, it can be nearly impossible to get through a day. Not only are you trying to process your emotions, but you also have your existing responsibilities. And you now have to do all of the things you have to get done when someone dies - plan the service, call Social Security or pension plans to halt payments, call the DMV to notify of the death, contact everyone to let them know this person died and details of the service if there will be one, etc. You essentially take on a part-time job along with your life that may include an actual full-time job and your other responsibilities.
As a griever, it can also be difficult to even know what you need. Some days I didn’t even know if I had washed my hair. Figuring out what support I needed? That’s like trying to get me to solve a Rubik’s cube (which I’ve never done).
What is more helpful is to offer very specific support. Start with basic needs. Your griever needs to eat. Offer to go grocery shopping for them once a week or, if your schedule is too busy for that, offer to order groceries that will be sent to their house. You can also be even more specific. Maybe your griever has young children. Offer to babysit for an afternoon just so they can get some time to themselves or they can have time to get through all of the death admin.
You can also lean into your own skill set. Maybe you’re really good at organizing events. Offer to be the one to put in the order for flowers at the service. Maybe you’ve got a huge car. Offer to be the one to pick up family members from the airport who are flying in for the service. Maybe you like to exercise. Offer to go on a walk with your griever once a week and tell them that they can decide if they want to talk about the loss or not. Specifics help and they simplify things for grievers!
Do not try to skirt around the loss. Do acknowledge the loss and give your griever the space to talk about it or not.
This is a little bit more nuanced. A lot of times folks think that if they bring up the loss to their griever, it makes it worse. So what they do instead is to not ask how the griever is doing and talk about something else. Or they try to talk about something happy with the intent that they don’t want to upset the griever further.
It is completely ok to acknowledge the loss. You will not make your griever sadder by bringing it up and asking how they are feeling. Your griever always feels the loss, some days it's loud and some days it's a whisper. They will never forget their person died. You bringing it up is not going to remind them; they already know.
A lot of times grievers feel like there is a maximum amount of time they can talk about grief. They worry that they are bringing the mood down or that they are annoying people by bringing up their loss. And so they shrink before they are actually ready to stop talking about it. They stop themselves because they don’t want to be a downer, or they don’t want to annoy people, or they feel like they are being too much.
Letting your griever know you are open to talking about the loss is extremely helpful. It is like a sigh of relief to them when they do feel like they want to talk about it or give it space. And sometimes it can feel hurtful to not acknowledge it. Let them know they can talk about it if they want to and then let them decide. Grievers just want to be witnessed and seen in their feelings.
Do not stop checking in after the funeral. Do continue to check in and make note of hard days.
This is a big one. After the funeral, a lot of people around a griever will stop checking in. Your griever is now trying to figure out how to live in a new world where their person is no longer there. And that doesn’t really end because the world for them is different now.
Dropping off after the funeral hurts. It hurts to realize that folks have moved on with their lives while you are still navigating big feelings. So continue to check in on your griever. Make a note to check in on them on big days - the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Just a short text of “hey I know this day may be hard for you, I’m here to chat or listen if you need it” can feel really supportive.
And that’s the list! Again, just to get you started in supporting your griever. One last thing - definitely watch Nora McInerney’s TED Talk where she highlights the one phrase you should not say to someone grieving.
Until next time, big hugs!
