Growing up, I was a bit like a mini version of my dad. He taught me to love many of the things he loved - old cars, football, coca-cola slurpees, and movies. When I was little we’d go to the neighborhood Blockbuster and rent a movie for the weekend. And as I got older we’d get a movie from a Redbox outside of the grocery store.
As many dads do, and as many Navy vets do, he loved a military movie. A Few Good Men, Top Gun, Independence Day - I mean you name it, we watched it at least 3 or 4 times. I chuckle at the thought that I became a lawyer because I watched A Few Good Men one too many times. And I absolutely cry at the Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer scene in Top Gun Maverick (comment if you do too!).
Last week I watched Kathryn Bigelow’s new movie - House of Dynamite - on Netflix. It isn’t strictly a military movie (don’t worry, I won’t spoil it!) but suffice to say the U.S. military plays a huge part in the film. Years ago I watched The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty with my dad during one of our Blockbuster/Redbox rental weekends.
Now dear reader, I thought watching House of Dynamite was going to give me the feels for completely different reasons (it is intense to say the very least!). But the biggest thing I felt was just sadness. Or more a sense of incompleteness. Because I couldn’t share it with my dad.
It felt like I was trying to complete a puzzle, but I was missing the pieces. Like I was trying to drive somewhere, but I had no gas in the tank. I was experiencing something that I loved, and I couldn’t share it with someone who I know would also love it.
The act of sharing is something I’ve always felt is so deeply human. To me, it is the definition of feeling seen. Nothing feels as good as someone recommending something to me - a movie, a book, a restaurant - and then experiencing that thing and falling in love with it. And the flip side is true too. I love saying to someone “I think you’ll like this” and seeing their face light up with joy when they experience it.
When you’re grieving someone, the act of sharing something with them has been torn away from you. This is obvious. But that feels, at least to me, like it’s own separate thing you also have to grief. There is your person. Then there is your ability to show love in sharing with them. In your ability to connect with them by saying “I really think you’ll like this” and seeing their reaction.
Papa Lim would have loved House of Dynamite (he loved a Kathryn Bigelow movie). He would have had lots to say as a Navy vet who served almost exclusively on submarines. He would have wanted to know what I thought of the movie. All of those things are their own separate grief. And I think, if you are a griever, you’ll know what that feeling feels like.
If you’re open, I’d love for you to share in the comments something you enjoyed recently that your person would have loved to share with you.
Just a memory re movies: Dad did not watch movies or TV (he was a reader and a tinkerer) but he did sit down and watch when “12 o clock High” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve_O%27Clock_High. No idea why but we kids noted it.
But he did like to cook and try new foods. So when new food places pop up near us, I sometimes think about how my dad would have loved it and we would have enjoyed taking him there.